"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect." — Anaïs Nin

Maybe I'll change someone's world with these words. You never know.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

This is real. This is me.

I've taken a few days off from writing "the blog" because i've been trying to find words to express what has happened recently. When you look at the situation, it seems...a lot different than I have been feeling it in my head. Please bear with me for a while. This will be difficult.

Okay, here goes.
It's friday the Thirteenth. I am minding my own business when Sam (my sister) sends me a text from where she babysits on fridays. Apparently she was thumbing through the newspaper when she came across ROBERT.

[Okay. ROBERT, was someone I liked in highschool, but he had a girl friend at the time. It seemed like he was into me too. He asked me to the prom and I had to decline because he had a girlfriend and I couldn't be "the other girl". We emailed each other for a while after highschool while he was moving around the country with and without THAT girlfriend for....about two years. Come 2006, I get another email saying he is moving back home and wanted to meet up with me and talk because we had to catch up. I sent him my phone number and soon after, I receive a call and he is asking to take me to dinner or even make dinner for me at his house. We decided to go to a restaurant and we have a nice dinner/date/whatever that was called. We went back to his house and played guitar hero and he showed me some of his mountain findings. It was a fun time. I'm not sure what went wrong or what, but after he drove me home, I never heard from him again.]

Zoom back to 3 years later, present day. November 13th, 2009. So where was I? Oh yeah, Sam opened the paper and found an article about some contractor company and Robert is in the photo as a member of the crew. (Sam, some of my friends and I have been looking around for him for AGES, and then poof! Here in the paper he sits). So she texted me the picture of him and I stood there looking at my phone like that scene from "The Notebook" where Allie is tryiing on wedding dresses and her friend or mother or someone opens the paper and finds Noah right there, alive and well in THE NEWSPAPER and she faints (okay, so the stories are mostly different....i'm not getting married and I didn't faint...BUT Robert does help fix up houses...I'm going a bit too far with the analogy. sorry).


So, for the last few days i've been running through EVERY moment of the last day we spent together wondering (like a sterotypical girl) what went wrong or what I must've said to make this guy (and MY FRIEND) run away and never speak to me again. I have to convince myself that it was not me, it was him. Of course it was him! WHO DOES THAT!?!?! EVEN TO A FRIEND. grr.

I hate it.

Now when i'm driving through town I feel like i'm in danger at any moment of being attacked by a wild animal. I sort of sneak around corners and look in every passing car hoping NOT to run into him. I'm not sure how I could handle being face to face with this guy right now. I would like to believe that the next time I see him I will tell him how angry I am that he disappered on me. I would really rather never see him again. Or would I? I don't know....


I know, I know... I SEVERELY need to get over it, or myself...But for some reason that i'm unaware of at this moment, I haven't been able to get over him....FOR THREE YEARS. Maybe it's because it was so unresolved...and now that I know he is alive (believe me, I was personally hoping to find him in the obituaries because he up and disappeared and we had been such good friends before) and IN TOWN, I want answers.

To be fair people, I warned you that you'd have to bear with me. This story was long and full of ranting and very typical girl...which I am usually NOT (the typical girl part, not the rant part. I can rant).

Now you are all one step closer to being inside my head...

Love to you all (except ROBERT),


Anonymous said...

I wasn't aware Robert had done that to you, I'm so sorry! I hope that you are otherwise doing well, and pray you don't run into him if you don't want to, because that's no fun.

Ashley said...

i love and miss you liser!